Something That Scares Me/ The Dichotomy of Meaning and Pleasure

The Burden of Labels and Love

Love in my life has too often been shackled by labels and expectations—both my own and those of others. Traditionally, I've placed every activity into rigid categories: "meaningful" or "worthless." This relentless pursuit of purpose has been both empowering and suffocating, fostering accomplishments while stifling my ability to simply revel in moments of joy.

The most tragic aspect for me is that I don't have a genuine passion for anything. When I'm alone, I struggle to find what feels meaningful. Living, to me, seems more about forcing myself to like the things I must do, the things I am good at. I can study if I need to, I can paint because I excel at it, and I can play sports if required. But I often don't know where to "waste" my time.The social interactions that provide some sense of purpose contrast sharply with my inner feelings of not being needed or valued as much as I value others. This discrepancy often leads to a profound sense of disillusionment and questions about where to invest my emotional energies.

The Tyranny of Dopamine

This internal conflict has escalated into a deep-seated suspicion towards all my pleasure-seeking activities, fearing they sidetrack me from the path of purpose and productivity. Such struggles have strained relationships and tainted my self-perception, as I’ve occasionally imposed my definition of a 'meaningful' life onto loved ones, overshadowing our happiness.

Interestingly, the one realm where I permit myself to be overwhelmed by emotion and pleasure is in love. Here, the benefits of dopamine—connection, affection, joy—are too potent to resist. Yet, even in these moments, I battle the guilt of indulgence, as though each joyous moment must be earned or justified.

Analysis of the Void: Meaningless Aversion

My greatest fear would be doing things that, at the end of the day, I would consider meaningless. That goes back to a value system instilled during childhood, where productivity and success are the only things worth pursuing. In so doing, my hobbies and leisure activities, suchlike painting, something I am extremely good at but do not “really” love to do, were rather pursued with an eye for excellence in application rather than deriving pleasure from these activities.

"Emotion": Accepting Uncertainty and Embracing the Joy on

Self Reflection and Acceptance:

I have been keeping a diary for quite some time now, where I jot down my thinking and feelings as I engage in activities beyond my comfort zone. I had actually set an alarm for 11 p.m. every day where I had jotted down daily 3 things that I actually feel "make me happy" before retiring for the night. It helped me to listen to the inside dialogues about pleasure and guilt without finding them silly and just plain wrong.

Challenging Conventional Wisdom: Critically evaluating the value of activities as they are described and categorized by traditional paradigms, I have been able to value experiences not based on the product they deliver but on the happiness that the experience offered.

Seeking Supportive Relationships: Communicating my struggle to people who understand and have learned to accept my journey among friends and family has been a very important part. Their ability to empathize and encourage me has made it much easier for me to transition into a more balanced life.

Regular Self Check-ins: Once in a while, I check in with myself to establish whether I am back to the old ways of doing things. This actually helps one remain committed to the new experiences and staying open to the surprises of life.

(The art featured in this post is all my own creation. It provides a visual complement to my journey of self-discovery and the complex interplay of emotion and rationality in my life.)